Ending

Friday, 8th April: Today we had a free day. Two-thirds of the group opted to take a trip to Wadi Rum. Five of us went to the Treasury to watch the sun rise over Petra. It was a lovely start to the day. The place was almost deserted, the world waking up. We ate chocolate croissants and drank freshly squeezed orange juice, sitting among the ancient ruins in the warm sun. Our group split again: two of us went to look around the shops and then took a taxi to Little Petra as we'd missed it the day before.

I'm glad we went. It was only about thirty minutes away and the views from the taxi were spectacular. The place was almost deserted and it was lovely to wander around, marvelling at the skill in creating these buildings and how they'd survived for all this time.

That evening, our last one in Jordan, we were to have a celebration dinner. We all got dressed up and took a coach to a restaurant high above Wadi Musa. We looked down at the lights in the town below, twinkling gold and green and purple. Was it really only a week ago since we'd arrived just after midnight? I looked around the table at these ladies (and a few men) and I marvelled at how close we'd become. How we'd seen each other at our worst. How the trek had brought out our best. And I was filled with gratitude and love.

And now: And now I am home. I am no longer on a high and it's just Molly and me. But I sense a change. A renewed yearning for life. I went to Petra to raise money for the Brain Tumour Charity and I have raised a tremendous amount (£3,499). The trek has been a big part of my life for over a year. I've been training and planning, buying kit and fundraising. It feels strange that it's now ended.

But in a way, it feels like the start of something. I shall continue fundraising in a smaller way. I might even take on another trek. I'd like to keep up this level of fitness and improve on it. During the trek, at my lowest point I still found a way to carry on. I will try to remember that. But also recognise that sometimes I just need to stop and regroup.

When I look back, I can see that the longest day took everything out of me - physically and mentally. I think I needed it. I've been punishing myself for so long, looking for someone to blame for Tim's death, and finding only me. I know that's ridiculous. I know that the doctors did everything they could. I did everything I could. But that brain tumour was relentless. In the face of tremendous odds, we worked as a team to make Tim's last weeks the best they could be. It was impossibly hard, but we gave it everything we had. And every day I smiled for Tim. I tried to make him laugh, give him encouragement, help him believe that we would be okay.

Now I am home and I have found peace. I have found acceptance. Tim will always be with me, helping me to smile when life is hard. I can hear him say: 'It'll be alright, Janey. We'll get through this.' And he is right. I am lucky. I am surrounded by love. I am resilient. I am strong. (I'm still overweight and unfit and scared..... but I'm working on that.)

For all those who have followed me on my journey, and to those who have donated - thank you. You'll never know how much you've pushed me on and how comforting your kindness has been. You'll never know how much you have helped me to heal.

Now..... where are my walking boots?

Jane Lomas is fundraising for The Brain Tumour Charity (justgiving.com)