Trekking eve

This time tomorrow I'll be on the plane, jetting off to Amman. I'll have met my fellow trekkers (although I feel I know so many of them because of our Facebook and WhatsApp groups). I'm sure that worries will be overshadowed by excitement. But ultimately, this trek is to raise money for the cancer charity of our choice. Each participant will have their own reason for taking on the trek. Each person will have someone close to their heart driving them to do this.

I am no different. You all know why I'm here.

And I'm feeling wobbly. Tearful.

On Tuesday it was three years since Tim passed away. Tom Parker of The  Wanted passed away on Wednesday; he was just thirty-three years old. This month is brain cancer awareness month. I am proud to have raised so much money for The Brain Tumour Charity. But most of all, I am proud of all of you who have given up your hard earned cash and put your faith in me. During the training, faith in myself has wavered, but yours hasn't. And I am so grateful.

This week I have missed Tim more than I have for a long time. There is no taking away the ache he has left. There is no filling the hole he has left.

I'm not sure if he'd be proud of me. I've made so many mistakes in these last three years. I've built a wall around me that's six feet tall and just as thick. I am tired of hurting. I am afraid of hurting so much that I'll descend into the pit that very nearly took me in those early days. And so I tend my wall. Make sure it's strong with no chance of a breach.

But that leaves me in a quandary. The outpouring of love and support I've received has been overwhelming. It makes the wall waver; the bricks distort. Tim was all about love. He was about acceptance. He understood about the walls I built and he always showed me there was a better way. He was a good man. A patient man. He helped me take the walls down, brick by brick.

And so this evening I am letting the wall down. I don't know if it will stay down - that's a huge thing to negotiate. But, for now, I'm letting the love in. I feel safe. I'm scared, it's true. I've spent my whole life being scared of so many things. And how I'm going to do this trek without Tim holding my hand and encouraging me on, I just don't know. But I'm taking a leap of faith. It's what Tim would've done.

This evening I am tearful, maudlin, missing Tim. Tomorrow I won't miss Tim any less but I've got a job to do. And I will put my heart and soul into it. The nerves and melancholy will be replaced by excitement and the joy of meeting the people I will be spending a week with. A week that will be challenging and I'm sure that many of us will struggle, if not physically, then mentally, at some point.

And the point is, we will be there for each other. Just as you have all been there for me.

Thank you. Wish me luck. And stay by my side. I need you.

Jane Lomas is fundraising for The Brain Tumour Charity (justgiving.com)